It happens to the best of us. A day creeps up on you that's worse than any before it that comes to recent memory. I am currently having one of those days.
It's a troubling thing to not be able to calm your mind long enough to even pin-point any one thing that could be triggering your current mental state. I've gotten used to my mind occasionally getting away from me entirely. However, today isn't just the usual overly-anxious mind kind of day.
I feel physical pain.
Right now, in this moment, as I am typing this out I am experiencing physical pain as a side effect of my mental state. At least that's the best way for my to articulate what I am currently experiencing. I am completely overwhelmed. It isn't just a sensory thing at this point. The overwhelming sources of stimulation are all currently nested within my own mind. Making the act of shutting them out and trying to center myself more difficult than usual. Every single thought running through my mind is negative, self-deprecating, and hateful. That's just what I can make out through the deafening hum of doubt.
I still went to work.
There is a moment every morning where I have to literally convince myself that I am even capable of making it through the day. A normal, regular, day. The idea of having to look a single solitary person in the face and interact with them in any way seems like I am expected to move mountains with my mind. Even with today being as bad as it is. I still made myself do what I knew needed to be done. I still haven't decided if it was a healthy choice or not.
Why I didn't Take a "Mental Health" Day.
Sure, I fully advocate taking a day "off" of whatever it is you need to do in order to put your mental health in the priority seat for a bit. However, with as bad as I am right now I honestly had concerns that if I didn't get up and make myself at least try to get through the day that I would fall into a dark place I wouldn't get out of easily. I could literally visualize myself losing my job, my motivation to get out of bed, and the desire to actually live any sort of worthwhile life and having my entire life fall apart. It isn't the best life, but it's mine and I know it could be a fuck of a lot worse than it is right now. So, if I'm having trouble coping with things as they are - if I willingly allow them to fall down and get worse, I likely won't survive.
My Coping Methods
While juggling my daily responsibilities, I have been trying to rotate through my personal "Tool Box" of coping methods. Art, Meditation, Grounding techniques, Music, and other things are usually my go-to things to keep me from breaking down entirely. Just because I'm still having a difficult time, doesn't mean that they aren't giving me some sort of relief. Even writing this blog entry right now is, at the very least, giving me something to focus on for a few minutes rather than how I feel.
Don't stop Trying.
I have seen people get frustrated and give up on things like meditation and other forms of task-based therapy methods because they weren't experiencing immediate relief. It's important to remember to be patient. Things like these aren't meant to make everything better in a snap. They are tools to help you get through the bad times and make it through the other side to another day.
I'm going to try to help you.
Even thought I am personally dealing with a lot right now. I am compelled to share the things that help me in an effort to help others. I know that different things work for different people. I can't guarantee any results, but I can guarantee that trying is better than doing nothing.