I hate Speaking, here's why
I thoroughly and intensely HATE the act of speaking in a conversational manner. The literal act of talking, or being spoken to, drives me crazy. It's not always that I hate the people, but the literal act of conversation. I just hate talking. Not communication in general, but specifically verbal communication. It isn't just a matter of personal preference, it is a deep and visceral reaction that my entire body and mind have to the entire process of verbal communication. It is something that just about everyone around me seems to misunderstand as a lack of want, rather than a desire to not feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed. My Body and Mind do not get along. There's been a consistent trend throughout my entire life that revolves around the fact that my brain and my body don't always see eye-to-eye on things. I will want to do something and end up having to physically FIGHT my body to let me do it. Yes, I realize that this is all still likely my mind running the show. Perhaps I should say that my conscious and subconscious mind aren't in tune with each other. Because most of the time, what I want and what I am actually capable of aren't the same thing. I've learned to deal with and settle for the best of whatever bad situation I'm stuck with at any given time. This includes things as simple as a casual conversation. Within minutes of engaging in conversation, my body is literally ACHING to flee the situation. It doesn't matter what the topic of conversation is. Once I'm involved in a conversation, I immediately feel "trapped" and start to panic. Which hasn't ever totally made sense to me, regardless of what "diagnoses" gets tacked on to the issue. My thoughts & my words don't always match . There's about a billion times that I will be attempting verbal communication and the words that come out of my mouth don't come close to getting the correct point across. My tone or volume wont be appropriate most of the time, especially if I'm already feeling overwhelmed. The conversation could be about how adorable a certain breed of puppy is and there is still a chance that I could burst into tears and start shaking because of nothing more than the simple act of conversation. It's been this way most of my entire life. This isn't something I do consciously and it's sure as fuck not something I'd do at all, if I had total control over it. When I try to force myself to remain calm, I often end up getting my words mixed up. This is probably because so much energy has to go into making myself talk to begin with , but it just makes the situation worse. This happens during a calm, casual conversation. So, imagine what happens when I'm pissed off, or legitimately upset... I lose the ability to properly express myself at all. Which never makes and argument stop faster, or gets me out of a shitty situation any quicker. Then there's the physical "pain"... This is probably the BEST part. ( I say that sarcastically ) The way that my brain works, apparently gives my anxious, paranoid, over-dramatic, subconscious mind total control over my nervous system as needed. Meaning if I'm starting to panic or get overwhelmed or too emotional, I start feeling tiny pin pricks all over my skin and body. This can, and usually does, evolve into an intense "burning" sensation that is usually accompanied by muscle spasms of varying degrees of intensity. This can happen with OR without me having what would be considered a full-on "Panic Attack". This makes Relationships difficult. As you can imagine, this sort of issue has made any sort of relationship difficult for me to maintain. Not just romantic ones, but basic friendships, and even my relationships with family members. I find myself avoiding situations where I would be expected to converse. That includes hanging out with people, and family gatherings. It's not that I don't like the person/people, it's that I don't like the way those situations make me feel. This has all made me especially grateful to be in a romantic relationship that has lasted well over 10 years at this point. I know that Lee, my partner, has to deal with a lot. It is no small task to put up with someone who will have an absolute melt-down if a conversation takes too long or gets too "heavy". I will push myself through it, but it is still impossible to expect someone to NEVER get frustrated with it. I'm lucky that he has put up with it for this long. I know that it's easy to forget that these are things I don't have as much control over as I'd like, especially for people who aren't feeling what I feel. Don't take it personally I guess the best takeaway from this would be to not taking it as a personal insult if I don't want to speak to you verbally in a conversational way. I don't really have a nice, neat way to wrap up this thought process. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you're speaking to me directly, verbally, don't take it personally if I have to bow-out suddenly, or appear to be having a hard time. It's not you, it's my brain.
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